Last Day to Buy Talos Principle on Sale

RobotAndCat

The following is a repost from my top 5 indies to buy on sale at the Steam Store:

The Talos Principle $9.99 – I cannot tell you anything without it detracting from the glorious, emotional, immersive experience of this game and its story. Don’t read about this. Don’t think about it. Just buy the best first-person puzzle game ever made (I still love you Portal 1&2).”

 

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Dying Light Video Playthrough

Parkour, Aladdin, fear, and ultimately bashing zombie gourds with your lady friends was never so fun!

Until next time,

-ZMN

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Episodic SUPERHOT Review

SUPERHOT-banner

Dear Fellow Nerds,

People are criticizing this game’s length. DO NOT BY THIS GAME FOR STORYMODE, which is OK, but nothing special in of itself. Buy this game if you want to play an FPS puzzler. Every move you make is a strategic action which will effect the outcome of the challenge. Anyway, there isn’t much more to say that can’t be better shown through their launch trailer. SO, why not give y’all some laughs? Enjoy.

After playing this game for several hours, something in my brain has shifted:

Episode 1: Wife: “Honey, are you feeling alright?” Me: “Yeah, what’s up?” Wife: “You are just standing in the kitchen…” Me: “Yeah, I’m cooking breakfast…what’s odd about that?” Wife: “But you aren’t moving…the eggs are going to burn.” *holds up hand* Me: “They are burning because you are moving!” Wife sits down on the couch and opens a magazine.
*stands motionless, holding pan; flips eggs; leaps to cupboard; grabs plates; turns* Pan is smoking like a Willie Nelson concert. Me: “DAMMIT, TOO MANY MOTIONS” *Throws pan into sink* Pan shatters; sink throws me a bowl; *throws bowl into sink* Bowl shatters, sink shatters. Me: “At least I have that…” SUPER, HOT, SUPER, HOT, SUPER, HOT

Episode 2: I am at work. I walk step by step to the water cooler, noticing that everyone moves as I move. I reach the water cooler, and my boss walks in. Boss: “Hiya, J—–Y. How was the weekend?” Me: “ONLY MOVE WHEN I MOVE!” Boss: “What?” But he stops moving. *takes a step* Boss takes a step *takes another step* Boss takes a step toward me. *Raises hand.* Boss raises hand. *Jumping high five* Boss is confused, I land on his face. Me: “Good try, Tony. Maybe next time.” SUPER, HOT, SUPER, HOT, SUPER, HOT

Episode 3: Eating dinner. A fly lands on my food. Me: “OH YOU’LL PAY, YOU BUZZING B@$%@RD” Fly: “Bzzzz” Fly lands on the wall. *Grabs bottle from the table; lines up shot.* We both freeze. *hurls it.* Bottle shatters against the wall. Fly: “Bzzzz” lands on the kitchen counter. *Looks around. Grabs cell phone* Me: “Good thing I paid extra for this case.” *Chucks phone* Phone skips off the counter and into my computer monitor. The monitor cracks like it’s been waterboarded. Fly: “Bzzzzzzzz” lands on the sliding glass door. Me: “I AM GOING TO SUPER HOT YOUR FACE OFF!” *Rips TV from wall mount* TV screams through the air like a missle. Everything explodes like a MF’ing Vin Diesel movie. Me: “BYAAAAAAW. ENJOY YOUR FIERY GRAVE!”

My wife returns from the other room with a fly swatter. Wife: “What the hell happened in here?” Me: “Took care a BUSINESS” Wife: “Why? Just why?” Me: ‘Cuz… SUPER, HOT, SUPER, HOT, SUPER, HOT, SUPER…” Fly: “Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

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F2P of the Week: Dirty Bomb + Beer

dirty-bomb

I realized that Total Biscuit and I have many things in common, other than our nationality, relative popularity,  looks, income, presence of a Wikipedia page, and overall video game skill of course. We do, however, have a shared love of the free-to-play game Dirty Bomb.

AND SO, Dirty Bomb is the F2P game you should be playing right now if you are a member of the PC Master Race.

I know what you’re saying…”ZMN, you are a silly fool. Why would I play some rando FPS game that I have never heard of over games like Battlefield, CS:GO, or Black Ops III?”

And I would respond, “Because it isn’t those games! And it isn’t a rip-off of those games. Even those games are a rip-off of those games!” (think about that one for a hot minute).

Dirty Bomb is a Hero-based, objective-based FPS, much closer to Team Fortress or even games like DOTA2 and LOL, and that is what makes it so much fun. Each hero has a distinct role to fill and a unique way of playing. Rather than limiting the game, it makes the game much less cluttered. The problem that games like CoD have is that they give everyone far TOO many options to the point where only a few archetypes really become useful due to balancing issues.

Dirty Bomb will knock your socks off with its speed and fun. The game still has a long way to go, but it is still in Beta and it sees regular updates. It absolutely is not pay-to-win.

Ranked Season 1 is starting today. So DL this thing on Steam and get to the pew-pew.

Rate the funny review on Steam 

IF YOU ARE UNDER 21, THIS NEXT PART IS NOT FOR YOU! GO AWAY CHILDREN WHILE THE ADULTS DRINK.

I highly recommend a Fresh Squeezed IPA from Deschutes brewery. The hint of citrus does well to balance out the bitterness that one finds in many IPA’s. Take nice long sips of this smooth beer between spawns… you might find yourself dying on purpose just so you can have more.

Until next time,

-ZMN

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Cities: Skylines on Sale!

Cities Skylines

The following is a partial repost of my article on indie games.

Cities: Skylines $11.99 – Did you buy Sim City 5? Do you still feel like you bought some polished turd because a slick salesman swindled you? Well, now is the time to send a message with your wallet. Cities: Skylines is everything SC5 should have been. You can build virtually limitless sprawling cities, there is a fantastic modding community, and the game gets updated all the time without charging people. Their first DLC’s (which is $7.49 right now) biggest addition was the day/night cycle, but they gave it to people for free and then added a few underwhelming elements. Here’s a nice review of the DLC on Steam. If you like city builders, buy this and support good devs.

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F2P of the Week: Iron Snout + Beer

Iron Snout

Free-to-play is much more miss than hit these days. Many people rightly complain of pay-to-win, something that apparently doesn’t bother many Chinese people. But there are a few gems that really don’t require you to spend any money to compete and instead offer you the choice of financially contributing to the game with some aesthetic or time-saving reward.

Let’s take a look at the first of many awesome Free-to-Plays:

I wanted to start this series with a gigantic hit like SMITE or Path of Exile, but decided to feature a tiny awesome hit like Iron Snout.  You play a pig that I have nicknamed Kevin Bacon, and like a Kung-Fu master, you go to town on the wolves that are trying to slay you. This is the piggy version of Kill Bill.

This game is so simple, and yet so well-designed that you will find yourself coming back for more.”I just massacred 112 rocket-riding, knife-pogo-sticking, chainsaw-wielding wolves,” you say with a satisfied tone. Then, suddenly, you are clicking “new game” and going for 113. And will you feel excited about that single extra wolf pelt on your symbolic wall of achievement? Damn straight.

After you start out, you will quickly realize that you need a bit of strategy to face each enemy. You can’t simply button mash and avoid damage. Try ducking, jumping, and ground-pounding your way to victory.

This could easily be considered a casual game, but you might find yourself spending more time fending off wolves than you did delving into your latest AAA purchase, especially if your free-time is limited.

11/10 for indie ingenuity and all-around fun gameplay.

Check out funny version of review on Steam

THE FOLLOWING IS FOR PEOPLE AGE 21 AND OLDER:

I recommend drinking  a tasty, refreshing White Rascal from Avery Brewing while enjoying this game. This Belgian-style white ale sips perfectly on an easy afternoon when you just want to de-stress through wolf murder.

 

 

 

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Dying Light Review (Story): The Following

dyinglightfollowing

Make sure you check out the original Dying Light Review before reading this.

The Following taught me even more about real life:

Episode 5: Been training for awhile now with Teddy. Let’s just say we eat a lot of squirrel for dinner. Came across a Javelina unexpectedly while trying to fix our stupid water pump (living in SW USA) and realized my skills weren’t exactly “legendary.” Teddy failed. I failed. I ran. Wife understood, but I could see the disappointment in her eyes. So, naturally, I think, “F-THIS”
*Jumps through kitchen window; hoofs it to the tool shed* *Sets Teddy on the workbench, grabs tazer, duct tapes tazer to Teddy, wraps metal wiring from tazer around blade, activate tazer, Teddy lights up like a F’in Christmas tree*
YEAH! *Heads back to water pump* Javelina is there, staring me in the GD face like a drunken frat kid. “OH, I’LL COME AT YOU BRO” *Charges Javelina, Teddy sparks like a damn firework*
Wake up 3 days later in the hospital with a giant gash in my side. I see the blurry outline of my wife, “Did I get him?” Wife: “No, he got away; the cops took your weapon.” I pass out again.

Episode 6: After some time at the hospital, I come home, wrap some alcoholic gauze around my arm like thirty times, and I’m back to full strength. Wife: “Did you hurt your arm too?” *Looks at gauzed up hand* Me: “I need more firepower.” *Looks at wife* Me: “Honey, do you trust me?” Wife: “No! I absolutely do not trust your judgment right now. You just nearly died!” Me: “Exactly! We need wheels.” *Grabs car keys, limps out the door* Me: “I’m gonna need more gauze.”

Episode 7: I return home with PigF$&%er, my sweet new buggy. I honk the horn in the driveway. I stand brandishing my recovered Teddy in all his glory and as my wife opens the door, I activate taze mode. Teddy lights up like a damn sword with a tazer attached to it. Wife: *closes door*
I realize she’ll only love me again if I kill this swine. *Buggy screeches out into the night* Experience Doubled.

TO BE CONTINUED…

11/10 Currently taking this course again in the Spring

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